Who knew the happenings in one woman’s uterus could inspire such a global frenzy? Lucky for us, it appears as though the former Kate Middleton is not having twins. Otherwise, I think the entire Internet would melt into a puddle of goo.
Anyway, the recent announcement of Pope Benedict XVI’s resignation has also shocked the world — yet delighted the Las Vegas gambling bookies who are feverishly calculating the odds on which person will be selected as the next pontiff.
My guess is that it will be a man, since women are not allowed to wear the big pointy hat. Additionally, he will probably be an older man, and most likely single. But you never know.
If this news weren’t enough for one week, a meteor blistered across a Russian town, injuring hundreds of people. On the same day, in an unrelated galactic event, an asteroid passed very close to Earth.
The press coverage of these events led many to wonder if we’ll need Bruce Willis to save us all from a real-life Armageddon.
After considerable thought, I think these recent events have the ingredients for a really good Dan Brown novel. Resigning popes, meteors and asteroids? Why, that’s a Dan Brown bestseller in the making! All the writer needs to do is figure out a way for his perennial hero, Robert Langdon, to save the planet using only his wits and an old copy of the Encyclopedia Britannica.
The recent rise in epic news stories is not limited to the international stage, but the local one, too. The grand opening of Walmart here in Patterson is big in more ways than one.
I mean, the store is big — epic, even. While I’m not an engineer, I estimate that Boeing could build a jetliner inside the building and still have room for a few aisles of pepperoni Hot Pockets.
Nonetheless, I hope the store brings Patterson all that it desires — and that this partnership will prove to be mutually beneficial in the long-term.
That said, though, I’m not sure if we can handle any more epic news stories for the time being. I’m hoping we’ll have a break — at least until Kate Middleton gives birth.
Elizabette Guecamburu, a volunteer columnist for the Irrigator, is a writer and a native Patterson resident. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.