Not having had loud music in our household for many years, nor complaints about food or following the rules and other crises associated with growing up, I was amused when a friend passed along the following items of wisdom.
• We spend the first two years of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut up.
• The purpose of hosting children’s parties is to remind us that there are children more awful than our own.
• Mothers of teenagers now know why some animals eat their young.
• If you have a lot of tension and get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: “take two aspirin” and “keep away from children.”
• Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing our own children.
• We childproofed our home, but they are still getting in.
But we should all take this advice: Be nice to your kids. They will be choosing your nursing home one day.
OK, summer school
It was not my intention to provide summer school offerings to those who read this column weekly for its educational value.
But so many of you have informed me you flunked last week’s three-question final exam that I feel obligated to pass along information of educational value at least through the month of June. So here goes — now absorb.
n The dot over the letter “i” is called a tittle.
n In Webster’s 1996 Dictionary, 315 entries were misspelled.
n Celery and apples give you negative calorie intake. You burn more calories eating them than you get from them, so feast away and never get up off the couch.
Oh mercy me!
Where oh where does the time go? Did you know that Monica Lewinsky already turned 50?
For the sports fan
College baseball powerhouses Stanford and LSU are out. Stony Brook is in.
That would be the College World Series in Omaha, where eight teams from around the nation begin play this Friday.
Stony Brook? OK, the university is in New York. I looked it up.
But where in New York? Well, Stony Brook, of course.
One guy named his two dogs Rolex and Timex.
They were watchdogs — but you probably knew that.
Have a great weekend.
• Ron Swift is editor/publisher emeritus of the Patterson Irrigator. He can be reached at email@example.com.